


i don't wanna look at anything else (now that i saw you)

by TheSlavicShadow



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, Kerejean Gift Exchange, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, SO MUCH FLUFF, Some angst, also jeremy is in the same year of college as kevin and jean bc i said so, as usual if this doesn't make sense go yell at abbey, but like not really, i'm not sure when this actually takes place tbh, me sneaking in two taylor quotes in to this dfghj, she beta'd this, this is kinda supposed to read like looking through photos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25826332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSlavicShadow/pseuds/TheSlavicShadow
Summary: / you took a polaroid of us / then discovered / the rest of the world was black and white / but we were in screaming color /- Kevin has no real memory of how it began. He just knows that suddenly he has all these photos of the two people closest to him. Then there’s Kevin’s favorite photos. Disjointed moments, candids, blurry through movement or dark nights or laughter-shaken hands. He looks at the pictures he’s collected whenever he misses them too much. It makes the distance almost bearable.
Relationships: Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau, Kevin Day/Jean Moreau, Kevin Day/Jeremy Knox, Kevin Day/Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau
Comments: 16
Kudos: 36





	i don't wanna look at anything else (now that i saw you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fictionalexistences](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalexistences/gifts).



> this is written for the Kerejeanexchange on tumblr. the original prompt was: Kevin takes pictures of Jean and Jeremy as a reminder whenever they're apart.
> 
> title is from taylor swift's daylight. summary quote is from taylor swift's out of the woods.

Kevin has no real memory of how it began.

He just knows that suddenly he has all these photos of the two people closest to him. They don’t line his walls but are kept in scrapbooks and pressed into books as bookmarks as much as for safekeeping. He even has some in his wallet and feels silly about it for a while until Nicky smiles at him, warm and kind, and tells him how happy he is that he found his way not only back to Jean but has found Jeremy along the way, as well. His words, so quiet and serious and somehow so unlike and yet exactly like Nicky, feel like a balm for his soul, like a warm hug and he smiles at him gratefully and keeps their pictures right in his wallet. He looks at the pictures he’s collected whenever he misses them too much.

Jeremy and Jean realize it quickly, obviously. And soon, his phone fills up with selfies and candids and honest to god photoshoots sent to him whenever they miss him, too. It’s good for Kevin, to know he’s not only missed but loved and appreciated and cared for. It makes the distance almost bearable.

On days where it gets hard and the nights get long and lonely, when even exy isn’t enough to calm him, he grabs his headphones and his photos and lets himself get lost in the sweet ache of missing someone so much it feels like physical pain.

_________________________

There’s photos of a weekend that, in retrospect, seems slightly insane.

Somehow, he doesn’t know how and is not sure if he actually wants to know, Jeremy had managed to sneak the dog he was dog-sitting on campus and into his room. The following weekend was spent mostly playing with this comically large and fluffy dog, who was shedding everywhere and jumping on literally any and all surfaces.

There’s photos of the dog, Leo, sitting on a laughing Jeremy trying to get up from underneath him. Photos of Jean and Kevin trying to calm the excitable animal down enough to get his leash on (almost impossible) and then photos of the subsequent walk that featured a lot of running, stick throwing, and exasperated laughter. His favorite photo of that weekend is a photo of an overtired Leo napping next to an equally tired Jeremy.

He remembers being glad when Leo went back home to Jeremy’s cousin who picked him up on a Sunday afternoon.

“Okay, we’re never getting a dog,” Jean’s voice rang out after the door closed behind Leo. “A cat, maybe. But no dogs,” Kevin couldn’t help but agree even as Jeremy looked slightly wistful as the possibility of a slobbering, loud mess disappeared from his future.

_________________________

There’s the photos everyone and their mothers expect him to have.

Photos from games, moves frozen in time, Jeremy showing off hat tricks, Jean scoring a rare backliner goal, his typical ‘don’t fuck with me’ backliner grin in place on his face, almost predatory in its viciousness, visible even through a helmet. Jeremy, exhausted, hair dripping with sweat after a winning game, shaking hands with the losing team's captain, kind, encouraging words surely already forming on his lips. Photos of Jeremy caught up in a team hug, head thrown back, laughing wildly. His favorites are photos of them celebrating together, arms thrown loosely over each other, holding each other close in embraces meant to look casual.

Official photoshoots, Jean staring defiantly at the camera, or of him in profile, the three on his cheek stark on his skin. (that’s amazing and shocking to kevin, too. keeping the number on his face when he could’ve covered it. he hasn’t asked but is reminded of a conversation that feels forever ago in which kevin, with neil on his mind, asked how jean deals with everyone seeing his scars. jean reading his mind, as he so often does and has done over the last decade, looked somewhat sweetly at him. “some carry their baggage openly with them, others hide it. there’s no shame in either but i don’t think i want to hide mine.” he pulled kevin into a kiss, then, he remembers it vividly; the way jean nibbled at his lower lip before pulling away and kissing him once more, full of intent, right over his tattoo.)

Another photo is of Jeremy, standing in full uniform, leaning on a racquet and smiling handsomely at the camera and Kevin once again wonders how the whole world isn’t falling in love with him every time he smiles.

_________________________

There are photos that tell other stories, too.

Photos where a third person, whom Kevin's entire world once centered around, has been cut out. Photos of Jean and Kevin young, and not quite smiling but caught somewhere between official press smiles and fear. Photos that Jeremy doesn’t like looking at, not due to jealousy of not having been there (never. not once since learning the true horrors of the nest has he ever regretted not being asked to join the ravens) but for the hands resting on both their shoulders, hands that can’t be erased from either the photos nor their minds. Hands that hurt, abused, and broke. Photos that are kept as proof of survival but not looked at all that often. 

_________________________

Then there’s Kevin’s favorite photos.

Disjointed moments, candids, blurry through movement or dark nights or laughter-shaken hands.

Photos of Jeremy sitting at the beach smiling at the nearby dogs playing in the sand, looking warm and comfortable, and content. Photos of Jean driving, overly big sunglasses perched on his face like the drama queen Kevin and Jeremy know him to be that he pretends he isn’t.

Rarely, there’s pictures of Jean laughing, bright and unrestrained, and honest. When he seems them, rare as they may be, it hurts Kevin to see but it’s a good kind of hurt. It’s a hurt of achieved peace after years of sorrow and pain.

More often, though, he finds photos of Jeremy smiling at the camera, perpetual peace sign thrown up next to his face. (he can hear jean’s lilting voice, jokingly condescending “jeremy, you’re too much of a millennial for your own good. put that peace sign down, please,” he never takes it down and jean only smiles and kisses the top of his head, nuzzling his dark curls with his nose before smiling at kevin) photos of Jeremy sitting cross-legged on Kevin’s bed, hair a mess and reading glasses askew, Jean just barely in frame rolling his eyes but if you know what to look for (and by god, kevin does) they’re shining with love for the both of them.

Weird-angled selfies, the three of them smiling or cracking up or staring the camera down. Selfies of Jeremy and Kevin sprawled over Jean because Jeremy reasoned that he’s the tallest and therefore the default pillow. Photos of too close close-ups, noses pressing against camera lenses, long, dark eyelashes caught on film, bright lights reflected in dark irises. Photos of three dark figures walking in the evening sun of California, enjoying a rare day off, where Kevin's hands were too busy holding theirs to itch for a racquet.

_________________________

And then he has photos that no one but the three of them will ever see.

Photos, that if she knew about it, his publicist would burn. Photos that tell stories of long nights and wandering hands, teasing grins, and pearling laughter. Photos that make Kevin ache from missing them so much it, for a second, feels like the phantom pain of a lost limb.

_________________________

For his birthday, Jean and Jeremy cheekily gift him an expensive-looking camera that rests heavy in his hands and reminds Kevin that there’s things worth holding other than an exy racquet and a ball.

He uses every chance he gets to document everything about their mini-vacation. He takes photos, silly snapshots, real, serious photos, and even sometimes lets them take the camera from him and turn it on him. He knows that once they leave again he’ll have all these photos to remind him how much his life is filled with love and smiles and laughter these days.

Sometimes he can’t believe how much he’s grown, how far he's come from the scared boy with broken bones, broken dreams, and broken trust running to a future as unsure as can be. He’s shocked sometimes by the enormity of his feelings, overwhelmed he could ever love someone so much and feel so content from something other than exy.

_________________________

When he finally gets them back in his city again, back in his room, his bed, his arms, he can’t stop smiling.

The first day is shared laughter, kisses that dissolve in teeth clanking against each other in wild smiles and missed stories shared over take-out boxes. The first day is taking so many photos of his boyfriends back in his arms, of the three of them soft and warm, cuddling under covers in too small beds.

Later, it’s hours spent talking and staring at each other and standing on an exy court and feeling the familiar steadiness of having Jean at his back and the new rush of Jeremy next to him. They all play differently and for different reasons but all with the same tenacity. Jeremy with his love for the game pure and undisturbed by the nightmares that still haunt Jean and Kevin. Kevin still playing as if exy gave him the air necessary to breathe, and Jean playing not for his love of the game but for his life. It's fun and exhausting and exhilarating and it’s also _just_ a game.

He doesn’t know when his priority shifted from just exy to Jeremy-Jean-exy but it did. And later, when he finds the picture someone took off them while playing, he decides he’s fine with that. He looks alive and in love and happy in the photo and he knows it was not just because of exy.

_________________________

The teasing is inevitable, he knows, and when he lends Andrew a book, he gets it back from him and sees the beginnings of a smirk form on his face before he says, voice kept as neutral as possible, “nice bookmarks.” Kevin blushes and rushes to explain but Andrew has already left, leaving Kevin behind, a book in his hand, color in his cheeks.

Later, he opens the book and finds all his photos, as familiar to him as can be, exactly where he left them. But there’s also an unexpected photo nestled in next to the others. Kevin stares at his photographed self, looking besotted and so, so utterly in love from where he’s sitting on the floor, gazing up at a laughing Jeremy and an amused looking Jean. It quickly becomes one of his favorite photos and he scans it in his laptop for safekeeping and after hesitating for a minute sends it to the two boys. He never thanks Andrew but if he doesn’t yell at him as much during next days' practice then, well, that’s just for him to know.

It isn’t as easy with Matt and Nicky.

They’ve grown close over the last year, at first through all lamenting their long-distance relationships (though nicky laughs at them and says they don’t even know what they’re talking about because at least they don’t have to deal with transatlantic flights, calls at inopportune times, and the feeling of being in the wrong country.) Though quickly their friendship evolves into something real and solid and meaningful and suddenly Kevin finds himself on the receiving end of teasing about his strange addiction to taking and collecting and having photos of the two people he loves the most. He rushes to justify himself but sees the smiling faces of his friends and quickly shuts his mouth closed.

And then, one dreary, rainy afternoon he shares his favorite pictures with the two of them, letting them coo and tease and smile over them as he sits back and looks at photos himself. Of course, there’s some heavy eyebrow wiggling from Nicky and comments about Kevin surely having some x-rated photos, too. He blushes but doesn’t deign him with an answer because those photos belong to nobody but him and his boyfriends.

The smile Nicky sends his way as he’s picking up the photos and returning them to their homes, is private and sweet and rare. It's understanding and a promise to not share what he’s learned here today and Kevin is suddenly immensely grateful to have Nicky's presence in his life.

_________________________

He has favorite pictures of his boyfriends of course.

His favorite photo of Jeremy is so completely ridiculous that it’s almost perfect again. It was taken by Jean on a drunken night on campus. In it, Jeremy stands in full Bob Ross get up next to a similarly dressed and equally drunk Alvarez as they try to follow a Bob Ross tutorial. The photo is a little shaky, Kevin assumes in equal measures due to laughter and alcohol.

There's a video, too, one that shows the mess they made during this, paint splatter all over the floor and their clothes. Jeremy caught live trying to drink the brush water rather than his rum and coke before Jean jumps across the room to stop him, all the while cursing in French (clearly meant only for kevin’s ears) about unreliable, idiotic children. The photo, though, simply shows Jeremy, smile wide, eyes shining, cheeks warmed red from alcohol, with a paintbrush in one hand, and a homemade palette of sorts in the other. He’s standing in front of his unfinished painting, gesturing at it with his paintbrush. Kevin thinks it doesn’t even look half bad and if Jeremy hadn’t been drunk off his ass, it might have been even good. But the wide, catching happiness radiating off of Jeremy in this photo is what truly makes it Kevin’s favorite. He could stare at it all day long and never tire of the pure glee filled expression on his boyfriend's face.

_________________________

One day, over one of their weekly dinners with Wymack and Abby he mentions his growing interest in photography, and when they ask to see the photos he blushes, crimson high in his cheeks because almost all of his photos feature Jeremy or Jean or both. It's not that he’s ashamed but he fears they might not understand, not get how important keeping these photos is for Kevin. But he mumbles an affirmative around a forkful of grilled chicken and promises to bring some photos with him next week.

The next week, they’re sitting there poring over his carefully selected array of photos and he can't help but smile dopily at them. While he did manage to bring some nature shots, some photos of his team, his family, really, most photos feature Jeremy and Jean. He sees Wymack and Abby exchange soft looks and later when he’s helping Abby clear out the kitchen, she places a soft hand on his shoulder and tells him how glad she is to see him happy. Kevin feels tears pool in his eyes and tries to not let them fall. He puts his own hand over hers, scars standing out against his skin and hers and squeezes her hand, a silent ‘thank you’ he hopes she knows conveys everything he wants to say but doesn’t know how to.

_________________________

His favorite picture of Jean is so fucking picturesque it might as well have been in a magazine.

Renee sent it to Kevin during the spring break that Jean spent with her after she graduated. They were staying with Stephanie and in the photo, Jean is standing in a garden leaning on an actual, real-life pitchfork. He’s squinting at the sun (and that really shouldn't be attractive but it is), his face and jeans are dirt and grass-stained and there’s a thin sheen of sweat over his eyebrows, but the most remarkable thing is the brilliant, open-mouthed smile on his face. Jean’s entire face seems lit up by his smile.

Kevin had asked later that evening on the phone and Jean tried to explain the rush of happiness he got from gardening. Kevin may not fully understand but seeing him so happy and content and at home planting flowers and weeding and harvesting carrots makes him wish Jean could have the life he wanted, not the one that was forced on him through first his parents and then Neil’s contract made to keep them all safe.

Seeing Jean so happy, breathing new life into what was once simply brown, wet earth makes something heal inside Kevin and he promises himself that, no matter what, Jean will have a garden later in life because Kevin would give almost anything to keep seeing that shine and glow in his eyes.

For now, it’s enough for him to look at the photo whenever he needs a reminder that life may be cruel and unfair and painful but it’s also forgiving and capable of mending a lot of wounds and aches. He sees Jean’s smile in this photo, loud and unapologetic and what he really sees is victory and perhaps even a future worth living. 

_________________________

He’s never tried to explain it, really, what these photos mean to him and why having them is so important.

He just knows that after a long day of classes and practice and arguments and homework and bad cafeteria food he finds solace in seeing their faces, their shared memories, and their love so open for everybody to see reflected back to him through a camera lens. He loves seeing photos that show off the personality of the most important people in his life.

There’s a picture of Jeremy, getting caught on film mid-sentence, a saccharine Spanish pet name forever frozen on his tongue. Another one of Jeremy racing a teammate down the halls, his face and body look as competitive as they do during a big game. Another one is Jeremy after losing a bet, biting into a lemon, face contorting slightly from the sour bitterness of the fruit but not giving up. (“you gotta honor the bet, dude. there’s no way i’m flaking out.” kevin smiles and shakes his head whenever he remembers that because his boyfriend is so silly but so honorable and honest and _good)_.

And then there’s the one of Jean, rolling his eyes at something happening out of the camera's field of view. Another one shows Jean calmly stealing the last piece of pizza, one eyebrow slightly raised, while everyone around him clearly argues over it. Then there’s one of Jean sitting on the ground, smiling, legs crossed, his hand outstretched, a tiny kitten crawling towards him while another kitten is already using him as a personal jungle gym, trying to climb up his shoulders.

These photos tell so much and yet so little about his boyfriends. To Kevin, they’re a constant reminder of who he gets to share his life and love with and somehow manage to express why he loves these two people so much. To strangers, they’re probably just photos taken at inopportune moments, the person in front not quite camera-ready yet or maybe they simply seem silly. Kevin loves them, both the photos and the people in the photos, more than he ever thought possible.

Sometimes, it’s so overwhelming, this love he feels, that he doesn’t even know what to do with it. But looking down at these photos that capture the essence of who he loves the most, he thinks feeling too full of love is such a nice problem to have.

_________________________

**Author's Note:**

> oof, writing that last paragraph gave me caries, that's how sweet it is. 
> 
> anyway, i had a lot of fun writing this and a huge thank you to the kerejeanexchange over on tumblr, y'all are wonderful <3
> 
> find me on tumblr @jjeanmorreau and on twitter at @kIeinernerd.


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